Category: Journal

First-person scenes from a life in progress. 3am food runs, sleepless nights, awkward dates. Written down so I do not forget.

  • When anxiety and insomnia leave you sleepless

    When anxiety and insomnia leave you sleepless

    What do they call it when you wake up at 3 am? Tied down and covered by something heavy;
    a thick wet blanket, woven of every bad decision you’ve ever made.

    What do they call it when regrets pours on? Leaving you gasping and choking,
    unable to breathe or to move or to wriggle free, trying to catch your breath in the dark.

    What do they call it when Panic sets in as it does when one drowns?
    As you lie there sobbing; trying to process an emotion you have only ever heard people describe but never felt until now.

    What do they call it when all you can do is gasp and choke, waiting for a dawn that may never come?

    Thandwefika Tshabalala 19.05.2020

    I wrote this passage one morning a couple of years ago after waking up in a state of panic and anxiety that I could not yet describe because I had never experienced anything close to this.

    The closest words I had for this was “Waterboarding“; a form of torture in which water is poured over a cloth covering the face and breathing passages of an immobilized captive, causing the person to experience the sensation of drowning. That night felt like I was being waterboarded by my own brain.

    At first, I put it down to the stress and uncertainty of a COVID world. Maybe my brain was warning me of some deep-seated fears I harboured while trying to steward my family through this period. So I stayed up and made plans, I built contingencies to ensure that we survive the uncertainty. Yet occasionally my brain still waterboards me.

    I read numerous research-based articles and made several changes to my habits and patterns. The night terrors do not bother me as often anymore, but I still struggle to fall asleep. Thankfully, the waterboarding has now been downgraded to insomnia.

    I remember the 19th of May 2020 as clearly as a mother remembers the day their baby was born because for me that is the day my insomnia started.

    For that reason, I rate this particular night a lousy 1 star, and insomnia can eat shit.

  • It’s a Tinder date

    It’s a Tinder date

    It is sunset, and I am sitting at the terrace next to the bar, curiously observing the olden architecture of the farmhouse that has now been converted into this famous restaurant. From where I sit I can see the bar, I can see the outdoor sitting area, and more importantly, I can see the car park and entrance.

    This is important because I am passing time while nervously peering into every car that enters the gate… I am waiting for my tinder date.

    A woman walks in and is happily welcomed by her friend. A group reshuffles to make space for another member of their large family. A lone figure sits smoking his cigar in silence while people-watching. And I am passing time.

    I am ready to impress. The food is good, the music accommodates conversation, the atmosphere is relaxed, the staff feels like old friends and I am waiting, passing time.

    I look to the parking at the jeep that just parked and then finally, I see her; tall, lanky and a smile that made me super like. No more waiting, it is time.

    Mike’s kitchen is everything for everyone. And I give it 5 stars for being the perfect spot for first dates with Tinder dates.

  • 3 am food run to Andiccios

    3 am food run to Andiccios

    It’s 3 am and an uber slows then stops outside the corner restaurant. 4 party goers spill out still singing the summer anthem from the club they had just left at closing time.

    Hungrily they stumble to the counter and design the craziest pizzas I have ever seen in a bid to stave off the post-party starvation that sets in between club and bed.

    I watch in silence as the party of four devours the crazy pizza while retelling their adventures and antics of the party that was.

    I have never seen a full Andiccios and often wonder how they stay in business with their premium prices for non-premium food.
    Finally today, at 3 am on a Saturday morning I finally understand.
    This immaculate 24-hour diner has become a rite of passage for drunken and giddily happy yuppies and hipsters. A place to consolidate the memories of a great night out before committing them to the permanent memories of a youth well lived.

    I pick up my pizza, stumble to my car, and drive home to commit my own antics of the night that was into permanent memories.

    I give 3 am food runs to Andiccios 4 stars.